I started practising because I did witness the change in my elder. I want to thank her for t taking up to reforming herself, which opened up the way for me. I did not have a clear objective at the start. I could see many a negative aspect in my family, aspects I was also bearing. It was something I felt like clearing because they were at the origin of repetitive patterns in my life. At that time, I was experiencing a great state of confusion. I was mainly interested in my emotional life, I was obsessed with the idea of building a couple and starting a family. I was wondering where I should live as I was torn between two countries. In other words, I was extremely self-centred.
I started taking part in meetings and I often got in touch with my elder mainly to ask her questions about myself, about a very personal matter. I was probably expecting her to tell me which choices I should make in life but I repeatedly heard “That’s not the point, practice is about sharing the Teachings and aspiring to transform oneself.” But I reckon I only heard from an elder it was really the aim of the practice the day I found myself back to the wall. “Aspire to welcome new members”, she told me. I was surprised to receive a call from a former friend whom, for years, I had not heard of much. I invited her to follow this path and she started to practise. From that day onwards, I welcomed my first companions and I started to ask different questions which were not about myself. Little by little, how to help others progress became the reason why I called my elders and at the same time I agreed to take on the roles I was offered. Everything needed to be set up since with my brothers and sisters in practice we were the first Reiyukai members in Switzerland. A pioneers’ practice was to be developed. Together we tried to find how to pass on the Teachings. At the same time, my life began to change and I got into a new affective relationship. But it did not work out well, just as the others had and as usual, I was in a victim’s position, just as I thought I was victim of my ancestors’ legacy; it was my partner’s fault, he was not the right person for me, when will I finally meet the right one, have a child and so on?… I determined myself to practise to solve my family’s karma because I heard it was the real point. I invited my partner to practise. It was really difficult but I believe that the two of us decided at that time to go further than what was happening in our karmic relationship. So, in spite of all the obstacles, we continued to practise in order to transform ourselves and we welcomed many new members.
Building up a practice Circle
Yet, we decided to split up. But that time, I did not experience separation as a failure. The two of us had taken up the topic of solving our karmic relation with the sincere wish to transform ourselves. That is why we went on practising together, without paying too much attention to our personal lives, and today, thanks to our own transformation and to our companions’, we have managed to build up a practice Circle and our relationship is getting purer. Each time I don’t quite remember why I am practising or when I don’t feel capable (it is another thing I have inherited, to think I am not worthy of progress), I look up towards this companion. I learn from him and from the way he has managed to reform himself when it comes to our relationship. Besides, even if I have a difficult relationship with my elder, I accept that however hard this relationship may be, it does have a deep meaning. I realize how precious it is to have a companion who also shows me the way. It is my own responsibility to reform myself and I recently asked questions to other elders which enabled me to hear “If you engender reactions from your elder, really aspire not to engender any anymore”. That’s what I hope is going to happen.
I had always heard: “don’t bother with your personal life, aspire to found a Practice Family and then a Circle”. On hearing that I would always think: “That’s all very well, but years go by and that is not how I will get kids!” In the end, a Practice Circle was created and the very month it became official, I got pregnant. My elders had been right! At the same period, my mother nearly died of a stroke, which enabled me to see that our family karma was not solved. I then started a practice of gratefulness for the fact that my mother was still alive, that she was being taken care of… I was also thankful for the fact that I had known her until then, for having benefited from all I had thanks to her, for getting enough money to buy a ticket to go and see her, for everything I was given in that situation. That is what I did and my sisters, who are also Reiyukai members, did their own practice. Our mother managed to recover miraculously. It was stunning: I could see the fruits of all the practice we had made for years.
Aspiring to become a bodhisattva
If life does not make wake-up calls, my awakening mind falls asleep. Besides, since my mother’s recovery, I don’t practice gratefulness anymore. I realize it requires constant fuelling and I aspire for a broader mind. Dedicating myself to something bigger is unknown to me, it is not part of my programming and it scares me. Yet, I do aspire to become a pure channel for the transmission of the Teachings and to learn how to become a bodhisattva, to share the Teachings so as to enable other people to transform their lives as I have myself started to do. I do hope everyone may have a taste of that.